Partial idea kudos go to: Renee Jain
- “Can you draw it?” Drawing, painting or doodling about an anxiety for some people provides an outlet for their feelings when they can’t use their words.
- “I love you. You are safe.” Being told that you will be kept safe by the person you love the most is a powerful affirmation. Remember, anxiety makes some people feel as if their minds and bodies are in danger. Repeating they are safe can soothe the nervous system.
- “Let’s pretend we’re blowing up a balloon. We’ll take a deep breath and blow it up to the count of 5.” If you tell your partner to take a deep breath in the middle of a panic attack, chances are you’ll hear, “I CAN’T!” Instead, suggest they try to mirror your breathing. Pretend to blow up a balloon. Taking three deep breaths and blowing them out will often actually reverse the stress response in the body.
- “I will say something and I want you to say it exactly as I do: ‘I can do this.’” Do this 10 times at variable volume. Marathon runners use this trick all of the time to get past “the wall.”
- “Why do you think that is?” Sometimes asking them to articulate the “Why” in what they are feeling distracts them just enough to distance themselves from the grip of the panic attack.
- “What will happen next?” If your partner is anxious about an event, help them think through the event and identify what will come after it. Anxiety causes myopic vision, which makes life after the event seem to disappear.
- “We are an unstoppable team.” Separation is a powerful anxiety trigger for some of us. Reassure them that you will work together, even if they can’t see you.
- Have a battle cry: “I am a warrior!”; “I am unstoppable!” There is a reason why movies show people yelling before they go into battle. The physical act of yelling replaces fear with endorphins.
- “Let’s put your worry on the shelf while we _____ (listen to your favorite song, run around the block, read this story). Then we’ll pick it back up again.” Those who are anxiety-prone often feel as though they have to carry their anxiety until whatever they are anxious about is over. This is especially difficult when our partners are anxious about something they cannot change in the future. Setting it aside to do something fun can help put their worries into perspective.
- “This feeling will go away. Let’s get comfortable until it does.” The act of getting comfortable calms the mind as well as the body. Weightier blankets have even been shown to reduce anxiety by increasing mild physical stimuli.
- “Let’s learn more about it.” Sometimes letting our partners explore their fears by doing some research as a team with you, can make a strong dent in those fears. After all, knowledge is power.
- “Let’s count _____.” This distraction technique requires no advance preparation. Counting the number of people wearing boots, the number of watches, the number of different colors either of you may be wearing, or the number of light switches in the room requires observation and thought, both of which detract from the anxiety your partner is feeling.
- “I need you to tell me when 2 minutes have gone by.” Time is a powerful tool when people are anxious. By watching a clock or a watch for movement, the person experiencing a panic attack has a focus point other than what is happening.
- “Close your eyes. Picture this…” Visualization is a powerful technique used to ease pain and anxiety. Guide your loved one through imagining a safe, warm, happy place where they feel comfortable. If they are listening intently, the physical symptoms of anxiety often will dissipate.
- “Let’s pull out our calm-down checklist.” Anxiety can hijack the logical brain; carry a checklist with coping skills your partner has practiced. When the need presents itself, operate off of this checklist.
- “I get scared/nervous/anxious sometimes too.” Empathy wins in many, many situations.
- “Tell me the worst thing that could possibly happen.” Once you’ve imagined the worst possible outcome of the worry, talk about the likelihood of that worst possible situation happening. Next, ask them what they can envision as the best possible outcome. Finally, ask them about the most likely outcome. The goal of this exercise is to help them think more accurately during their anxious experience.
- “Worrying is helpful, sometimes.” This seems completely counter-intuitive to tell someone that is already anxious, but pointing out why anxiety is helpful reassures partners that there isn’t something wrong with them.
- “What is the first piece we need to worry about?” Anxiety often makes mountains out of molehills. One of the most important strategies for overcoming anxiety is to break the mountain back down into manageable chunks. In doing this, we realize the entire experience isn’t causing anxiety, just one or two parts.
- “Let’s list all of the people you love.” Anais Nin is credited with the quote, “Anxiety is love’s greatest killer.” If that statement is true, then love is anxiety’s greatest killer as well. By recalling all of the people that your partner loves and why, and all those they can name whose love they count on and feel safe in, uses love to banish the anxiety.
- “Remember when…” Competence breeds confidence. Confidence quells anxiety. Helping your loved one recall a time when they overcame anxiety gives them feelings of competence and thereby confidence in their abilities.
- “I am proud of you already.” Knowing you are pleased with their efforts, regardless of the outcome, alleviates the need to do something perfectly – a source of stress for a lot of folks.
- “We’re going for a walk.” Exercise relieves anxiety for up to several hours as it burns excess energy, loosens tense muscles and boosts mood. If you can’t take a walk right now, or they’re not with you, have them run in place, twist their core muscles at the waist back and forth several times or stretch.
- “I’m taking a deep breath.” Model a calming strategy and encourage your loved one to mirror you. If it’s possible, and they’ll allow you, hold them to your chest so they can feel your rhythmic breathing and regulate theirs.
- “How can I help? What do you need from me?” Let your partner guide the situation and tell you what calming strategy or tool they prefer in this situation. Try some of these as well: "Whatever you do now will be absolutely fine with me." "Do whatever you need to do. Even if it’s nothing." "Is it best if I say something? Or nothing?" "Should I hold your hand? Touch your back? Give you space?"
- “This feeling will pass.” In the midst of the storm, we all can relate to feeling like our anxiety is never-ending. Instead of shutting down, avoiding, or squashing the worry, remind them that relief is on the way.
- “Let’s squeeze this stress ball together.” Buy a ball, keep a handful of play dough nearby or make your own homemade stress ball by filling a balloon with flour or rice. Sometimes, pushing on a wall, relieves tension and emotions. Resistance bands also work.
- “I know this is hard.” Acknowledge that the situation is difficult. It shows respect.
- “I have your smell focuser right here.” A fragrance necklace or diffuser, etc, can calm anxiety, especially when you fill it with lavender, sage, chamomile, sandalwood or jasmine. Have your partner select their personal preference ahead of time.
- “Tell me about it.” Without interrupting, listen to your partner talk about what’s bothering them. Talking it out can give them time to process their thoughts. Maybe they’ll think of a solution, maybe not. Processing at least slows the train down.
- “Which calming strategy do you want to use right now?” Because each anxious situation is different, give your partner the opportunity to choose the calming strategy they want to use.
- “We’ll get through this together.” Your presence and commitment can empower them to persevere until their ability to feel safer in the moment settles back into place.
- “Let’s go to your happy place.” Visualization is an effective tool against anxiety. When your partner is calm, practice this calming strategy until they are able to sometimes use it successfully during anxious moments. Nothing works every time, but for some, this one can be a useful transition tool.
- “Let me hold you.” Hopefully you know your partner well enough to extend that. Or well enough to know NOT TO…. Give your partner a front hug, a hug from behind, or sit/stand beside them as close as they can tolerate in the moment.